Overdressed

New Yorkers have been wet for weeks. A brutal heat wave followed by a solid week of torrential downpours have made it hard to stay cool and even harder to stay dry. Luckily, New Yorkers are innovative. Various states of undress are not only accepted on the sweltering streets, but the sheer creativity put into apocalyptic-weather-appropriate outfits is commendable. Uptown to downtown, there is a sense of comradery in seeing others surviving the shitty summer in whatever way they can.

But no matter how ingenious the outfit, many New Yorkers are still overdressed. I’m talking about boobs. The twenty-pound game hens on your chest that seem to both produce and hold onto more sweat than the rest of a human’s mammalian body combined — the space between them creating a luge track for a steady stream of sweat. No crop top, tank top, or any other cutely-named piece of clothing can provide relief from the natural radiator that is titties.

Going braless may seem like a delightfully retro way to reduce your boob sweat. Not the case. Without restraint, those sticky fat sacks slap and chafe all day long. So what about a sports bra to sop up some of that stinky saltwater? Even more chafing. Stuffing your bra may have gone out of style in the seventh grade, but it’s making a comeback this summer as stuffing select-a-size paper towels under each boob is one of the only ways to temporarily dry off. But don’t leave them in too long — more chafing.

And not to mention the onslaught of unwanted attention from lecherous onlookers that comes with trying to air out your bulbous heatsinks. You wear a low-cut shirt to try and avoid an underboob salt line ONE TIME and barely make it home alive. Not even walking with every one of your keys between your fingers like a rent-controlled Wolverine can make walking with cleavage feel safe.

So what’s the moral? Where’s the relief? Sorry, knocker-havers — there is none. But as Ariana Grande and Lady Gaga said, “I’d rather be dry but at least I’m alive.” That is, until you get murdered for wearing a v-neck and not smiling enough.

Stay cool, New York.